Thanks to Matthew (Meinck) my time and my home is now my own

I live in a feeling of being nothing therefore having nothing to offer.
I did want to try to express the recent feeling deep in me of knowing I no longer make myself available to be used day and night.

'Being switched off and numb since my first abuse at 6 months, it took Matthew (Meinck) 10 years of constant hard work and support to allow me to finally start to thaw.
And I still need his continuing interaction to help me see when I'm trapped in my victims thinking.
I can't begin to describe to you the feeling of not being an unpaid whore in my own home anymore, where whenever I was at home and I never knew when and whom was going to turn up and demand what. The constant anxiety and pressure I lived under in my own home as well as the panic if I wanted to do something for myself or away from the house. The persistent feeling of always having to be prepared and ready was terrifying.
Thanks to Matthew (Meinck) my time and my home is now my own.
The feelings of anxiety and panic are still there as habit but with far less intensity and frequency.
The knowing and the relief deep within me that the action doesn't happen anymore is worth more than I can express.....'

post submitted by Tina

There is nothing that I felt through that process that Matthew (Meinck) didn’t feel along with me

What is it like to live a life of fear? To feel you have to try to control everything and everyone in your life.

The emotional psychological physical and sexual abuse I suffered as a child led me try to (in a child’s way you try) to control my world. Trying not to step on cracks in the ground or holding my breath in between them was the first thing I recognised as the start of the control. My world was completely out of control my father's rage would flare up at any moment give whatever he believed at the time to be a just reason and as a child I thought I was the reason.

As an adult I lived my life still holding my breath and it wasn't until this week I have realised to what extent that was happening. 

I have only been able to realise this because it is finally breaking down.

To be able to live my life free of this is something I don’t feel words could ever do justice to.

And when I say free I mean in every sense of the word. A freedom from fear a freedom from self-disgust a freedom from feeling as survivors of sexual abuse do that I had to pay a price a penance because after all it was all my fault right. 

In this harsh and violent world I found a way to heal, someone to guide me someone brave enough to take that ride with me. There is nothing that I felt through that process that Matthew (Meinck) didn’t feel along with me he laid his health on the line simply because he could see the need I had and that he could heal that need. The things I have read in the media contrary to this disgust me and the only thing that really concerns me in life now is that the utterly unique way that Matthew (Meinck) has of encouraging healing in a person will continue to be miss represented and will be lost to the people who need it most. 

He has nurtured my health and now I am in position to nurture his and that is what I intend to do.

post submitted by Anonymous

(Re: Matthew Meinck) Other people may help you to heal the surface, but I know of no-one else capable of reaching the darkest places and bringing them to the surface that they may integrate and rejoin life

I get overwhelmed when i try to express why Matthew is so important to me. one day i will be able to express it clearly for other people to understand. it is a feeling that is very very deep inside, he has made it possible for me to live, he has spoken to the parts of me that were deeply hidden, the parts that i thought were completely abhorrent  and unacceptable, he was firstly able to reach them and i don’t think it is an exaggeration to say no-one else had the capacity to even know they existed inside me let alone to speak to and reach these parts. you don’t understand what it is to be raped to within an inch of your life, what that does to you, how it destroys your capacity to live, that part of you that was there would never really be healed, well Matthew has facilitated the impossible, and in this way he literally brought me back to life. What i am trying to express is that other people may help you to heal the surface, but i know of no- one else capable of reaching the darkest places and bringing them to the surface that they may integrate and rejoin life. It is this part of me that is ferociously grateful to Matthew, probably because this part of me is a little ferocious in general. it is gutsy and raw, it has been to the limit and returned.

post submitted by S.J.L.