2013 Retreat
Physiological Changes
For the first week or so on retreat it really felt as if I was living the impact of the effects of my entire life over again, and then dropping those associated memories.
Memories are from past events. The event does not exist now, but the physical impact and effect of an event when occurring, forms a memory or a familiarity pattern, that is, if it was not resolved and healed. So the memories are now physical impressions that are embedded into the cellular structure of the body. The impact of these memories affects different parts of the body according to each event (now a memory) on each corresponding part of the body. For example, the function of our eyes is for looking at life, (what is going on) and if there is an impact on our eyes from what we have seen or what we see, then the memory has had an effect on us, and in this case our eyes, and on the way we look at life. That is our perception, and not our sensory awareness, and the latter is our primary function.
Perceptions are deceptions when we see life in which we have remembered life, rather than the immediate factuality of what is going on before our eyes in living, as it unfolds. This is not viewed as an experience or opinion, but rather, it is an ongoing constant discovery of what I am in direct contact with. If we use, and are aware of the senses in their primary function, then the facts are less likely to be distorted through our perception.
Our whole awareness with the primary functions of the senses can be in our direct experience, when there has been a period of quiet in our life. And of course, ongoing quiet times are required to maintain that ongoing physical awareness of those primary functions of the senses. Physical activity is also required.
To be physically involved in life with everyday necessary tasks is as equally valuable as sitting quietly. Both are required to function correctly as a whole and healthy human being.
The second week on retreat, the body very naturally, was healing those affects of my entire life, and bringing together an intelligent understanding of separated behaviours I had in the form of habitual, and or, accumulative ideas about myself.
This very much physical experience was, and can be best described, as if I had shed an old skin, and a new one immediately came forward. This encompassed my real time experience of living now, with so much interest in a deeper sense of what is really going on.
Matthew’s openness offered the catalyst in me to settle into the physical experience (as there is no other real experience) of the meditation retreat.
Integrating Old Behavioural Patterns of Conditioning
I am rising above old behaviours (habitual activity of unnecessary thinking) by simply allowing those behaviours to be there, and not indulging in them nor not acting on them.
In that non dual natural state (of not feebly attempting to control), that I uniquely have, those old behaviours or conditions are lessened in the reaction I have to them, and the power they seemed to have over me. They are not just a part of me, but are now a whole of me.
This is an array of ongoing discovered physical agitation and sensations of integrating.
The body understands, in its natural intelligent state, that a real natural approach to life does not know any familiarities of memories. An uncontrolled, non-imposing, physical sense of my physical presence, involved with the movement of life’s existence.
I am navigating my way through life safely with understanding this, of where I am coming from, and what I am doing. Not feeling that I have anything now to hide from myself, takes away the worry of useless and nonsensical thinking. Task related thinking is not useless and does not cause divisions.
Thinking that is in line with my activity, is very natural and very much a normality. This mechanical thinking and nature’s intended use of it, is not to be underestimated.
The nature of thought in this mechanical way is merely a correct and natural mechanism of action and thought working together as the one living organism. When there is no division in the two, then there are no new repetitive behavioural patterns that arise from such correct actions.
There is simply a response to whatever is going on before me in life as it is unfolding. This natural actioned response to life leaves no residual of repeating. In this natural response there is no accumulative reactionary behaviour. So therefore there is no habitual activity of unnecessary thinking. Its momentum simply ceases to exist.
Since an early age, even when not in situations of natural instinctive fear (but thinking I was affected by my view of life, my memory, my familiarity, my experience of life) of getting screwed over, a behavioural (first) pattern had well developed of living out of that fear of getting screwed over and over again. What was then born, or what then emerged from that was another secondary behavioural pattern, and that was to screw others over. In other words, a behavioural pattern to get what I wanted without consideration.
As any behaviour (repetitive action that I am not in contact with) removes me from any sensory awareness of my true physical presence - the above mentioned first behaviour had pushed the second behaviour into the background even deeper and thus further dividing parts of the whole of me. This left me at odds with myself and with a gut wrenching feeling of ripping away from myself.
Without intentionally sounding dramatic, that can best be described and was experienced (at the time, and now just a memory) as tearing burning skin and flesh off muscle, tissue and bone. It makes further sense to me now why I am so interested in my own healing!
Up until then, there was no real depth of understanding that this pain was in reaction to how I was, from my upbringing and under development. Also, other past distractive behaviours emerged, further deepening more divisions or splits.
I realize that such actions, and indulging or entertaining in thinking about such actions, has a devastating effect on myself and those around me.
Inconsiderate and irresponsible behaviours are a huge conflict to the body and to the natural order of things. They are dangerous to the individual and those in close proximity. This is exemplified and also amplified on a local and global scale of war. Hence, here in the seemingly unsurmountable problem, accessible to all, lies the very simple and natural solution.
Everyone is responsible for their actions and until so, it is very likely that nothing will change.
Now, through understanding correct and natural living, all this is coming forward and integrating within me. This is a paradox because coming forward and integrating within me is bringing understanding of correct and natural living.
It can be seen for what it is, and that is, patterns integrating, and not accepting the first behaviour, nor not wanting to act out of the second behaviour. That is not to harm myself, not allow others to harm me, nor do I harm others through repetitive and abusive behaviour.
Even though I describe the behaviours as two behaviours, really, they are just one dysfunction, as both are in reaction to one another, and it is not possible to have one, without the other.
All is OK if I do not go into personalizing, and identifying with this condition, as what will follow are reactionary confused states.
A rise of genius and passionate interest arose about understanding these reactionary behaviours, and any projection out of the annoyed viciousness, coming from within me, that cause harm, only if indulged in.
On the retreat, with long periods of quiet and the simply luxury of an environment of no distractions, these old behavioural patterns of conditioning became glaringly obvious yet very subtle at the same time. The realization of the now, non occurring divisions in me, encourage me immensely to be involved in what I am doing, and thus allowing further integration to take place on its own accord.
Sitting with this, there was a strong physical sense that the body was integrating all of these divisions, in a very reassuring, and powerfully elemental experience of shimmering fluidity.
This was undeniable real for me, and there was understanding, and then appreciation of what Matthew continues to express. That is, to be with whatever condition and state that I am in, and not react to that. To honour my disturbances and my pain, will bring about great healing. And that is being merely as honest as one can be with oneself.
Improvement in Self Understanding and Meditation.
In everyday daily tasks, including meditation, it feels that I am maturing, sensing less resistance or struggle, of who I am, as an ongoing integrating human being.
This ongoing integration within me is very much a physical experience going on within the body.
Matthew’s words, expressed with extraordinary sensitivity and understanding along the way, stir, assist, encourage and inspire the expression of life within me to persevere and go the distance.
Post Retreat
Since retreat I find that I am somewhat excited out of this passionate interest, involved and attentive.
I sense that it is the excitement that only an integrated man can feel. An integrated man at the start of a journey whose conclusion is uncertain.
Most Recent
Other personas (patterns of behaviour) that I am so far aware of and sense are becoming clearer in the integration of the totality of all that I am. In the past, I had tried EVERY possible way to avoid that which I needed to face up to. And that was to face up to those divisions in me.
All of these avoidances brought the same, deeply unsatisfying and harmful results, and further removing me from any sense of me. The difficulty has been removed when I face up to what I am doing, by understanding where in my physical presence (my body) am I coming from.
Knowing where I am coming from, enables me to know what I am doing. Living life with a sense of the entire whole of which I am, and from that impetus seeing what may fall into place and what drops away.
What I have within me is more than enough, and the energy of being in contact with that, will bring me to what is really needed.
To navigate myself correctly through life, I need to be coming from this safety of understanding. Rising up to face my responsibilities and getting involved, automatically ‘puts back’ into life what I have received. It is so much more enjoyable to do this, than to not do this.
All of this has now exposed a recent insight of understanding, and sensations of tension that comes from a tendency to control my experiences.
It is an arrogant attitude to control and removes me from the natural state of aliveness. That control, or trying too hard, simply interferes with living, and has no value, nor is it necessary to continue with anymore.
It feels it is big part of the whole of me that has got in the way. I can keep getting on with living and resolving this in me by being aware of it. My shoulders have dropped with less pressure on them. It is not now, an all consuming behaviour as what it was with such similar behaviours fifteen months ago. I am now not giving myself a hard time and am enriched for all of this. Past adversity has brought with it the seed of a now equivalent advantage. This is where I am at today, and now equipped to keep on staying on.
I am appreciative of Matthew’s patient professional work as a true Heath Care Professional, and as a good friend. Matthew’s non-judgemental presence, broad outlook and integrity, is helping me to see that the vitally essential thing to do, is to be with the physical sensations in the body and allow an ongoing integration of a myriad of such behavioural tendencies. And neither condemns nor condones that condition.
